Felt compelled to write it up.
What is most peculiar is the omission of an expected reaction.
‘You can show me now,’ whispered Lila, casting furtive glances from side to side.
Amongst the twilight shadows of spiced orchids, Redoute’s metal body blushed with the embers of scarlet sunbeams. At his side stood a tall, gilt-framed looking glass.
Redoute knelt before Lila, his Achilles pistons hissing as he lowered himself.
‘I really do have four hearts Miss.’
His clunky fingers fumbled at the latches on his chest plate until it came away and fell without sound to the dirt. Inside his chest beat four hearts: each was suspended in a cobweb of tubes and wires; each pulsated – delicately curved plates of wafer-thin platinum bound with springs and peppered with tiny rivets.
Lila gasped and reached a hand into Redoute’s chest, running a finger across the shining organs.
‘They’re wonderful Redoute!’
Redoute cocked his head.
‘May I see yours now Miss?’
Lila undressed, her clothes piling at her feet until she stood naked before the robot.
Redoute extended the blade on his index finger and carved a wide, sideways H into Lila’s chest from her clavicles to her belly button. He peeled open her chest and snapped away three ribs and pulled the looking glass before her.
‘You have one heart Miss.’
Lila marvelled at her heart’s reflection.
‘But I like yours best Redoute,’ she pondered.
Redoute cupped Lila’s heart in his hand and gently squeezed it.
‘And I prefer yours Miss.’
8 comments:
Perfect storytelling, Solvey. Reading that was effortless, and as soon as I read: Achilles Pistons, I knew he was mechanical - I think you're managing to overcome the divide between your vision and the reader's assumptions... still disturbing!
Isn't it strange how we accept some things and not others. In this story, what initially disturbed me was the fact that Lila does not exhibit distress at the dissection. It would've been easy to have Redoute apply a local anaesthetic. I wonder how that would read? I wonder what would create a stronger reaction? I wonder if the two different reactions can be considered in other ways: rather than intensity, the quality/type of response might be the deciding factor.
A Frankenstein moment! And excellent, too! My very first thought was that Lila felt no pain and that she must therefore be other-worldly.
And how old did you guys imagine Lila to be? Can you see the clues? It's possible to drop really subtle clues (working at a subliminal level) and mould the reader's image in that way.
I decided that the story would work provided that the reader sees Lila as a girl and not a woman, so my clues worked to that end.
Hmm, be a bit sexual if she were a woman. Now, stop writing whatever comes to your mind and fin those crits, mister! :)
The robot kneeling down (would need to have been 12 feet tall if she was adult - unless this adult was very small!)
Use of the word 'Miss'.
The trusting nature of the child, and possibly not knowing what a heart looked like.
The lack of danger and pain suggested an other-world feel, justifying the cutting without consequences.
And there you have a clear demonstration of the brain's shortcut technique. Note how we automagically anthropomorphize the robot, giving it human form and adult (male) proportions. Reading back your responses, you are filling in gaps without any prompting from me: I can reasonably expect you, the reader, to invent solutions based on expectations, and not based on anything I have said. Note that this works in a fantasy setting too, although there is a little more danger involved for, as es observes, it is possible to read Lila as humanoid yet non-human given her lack of expected response. Which is presumably why this is the element that suggested the title 'Removal'.
For me, Lila's key child trait is her wide-eyed wonderment and awe; it is this I associate with children far above shape, size or language; it is this trait that becomes a primary child essence.
Know thy characters! Yes, I can see this links back with you having Penpa bound over to the ledge - fearless of falling. It's all in the characterisation.
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